Wammy'd
by Therkin
Summary: Collaboration of Therkin and theminion2001. Collection of random humor drabbles. Mello/Matt, Light/L, um... yeah. Now includes everything NOT to say in front of/to your significant other's parents/mentor. ...yeah.
1. Soul Calibur II

**_Disclaimer_**: _I DO NOT OWN! Anything, not even myself._

**Soul Caliber.**** Two.**

It all started with the "movie incident," at least we will call it that for now. Matt, in his action-packed mind, wanted to get _I Am Legend_, while Mel wanted _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_, why we will never know.

"Put it back. _Now_."

"But, I—"

"Put it back! We've watched that four times in the past three weeks! Fuck Charlie! Fuck Willy Wonka! And _fuck _those _fucking _squirrels! …and their nuts!"

"But, I don't _wanna_ watch a scary movie, Matty! You know what those do to me!"

"…Yeah. That's the point! Plus, I wanna see how much it sucks."

Matt sighed. "Okay. There's only one way to solve this."

"…Mud fight…?" Mello responded instantly, facial expression caught somewhere between slight apprehension and the smallest tinge of excitement.

"Wha--!?" Matt paused, mouth slack as he thought about it for a moment, before he shook his head decisively, "No, Mel." He calmly plucked the DVD case from Mello's hands and set both movies back on the shelf before turning and heading in the direction of the video games.

Mello trailed along curiously. "God, Matt, not Halo again, I'd just run around in circles shooting myself in the leg 'n' then you'd boomstick me!"

"No, ya pissant." Matt whirled with a flourish, shoving a game case violently into Mello's face. "Voila! Soul Caliber. II."

Mello squeaked, snatching the case and staring at it greedily. "But… what's wrong with our copy?"

"You broke it. Remember? Something about 'I thought you said you wanted to dance, you manipulative bastard! You ensorcelled me with romance, you over-gelled manwhore!' To which I replied, 'Yunsung does not gel, you ignorant n00b, it's a combination of the wind, his kick-arse glowing sword, and him just being awesome. …And Raphael wears tights! Ha!' …Which then led to you taking it out of the Xbox and shoving it down the disposal."

"Oh. Right."

"So, then. Shall we…?" Matt grinned, quirking his eyebrows.

Mello smirked, tossing a wad of cash in the redhead's direction. "_Let us dance_."

"_Alright.__ Let's do this._"

* * *

"ARUGH! OK! Best 16 out of 30!"

"Ok, Mel, but if I win again, I not only get my movie…" Matt leaned over and whispered the rest in Mello's ear.

Mello's eyes went wide, his cheeks going the color of Matt's/Yunsung's hair as Matt smirked. He swallowed, before quickly unpausing the game and button-smashing furiously.

"_Oi!"_

**_Author's Notoe:_**_ sooooo yeah first things first, I like the Soul Caliber, it is le good, and the fact that Yunsung and Raphael at totally Matt and Mello makes it even better. So yeah, crazy… pie._


	2. why are they still talking

**_theminion_****_ speaking: _**_Yo__. So… um… about this. Ahem. So, one bright, cheerful March day, Therkin 'n' I were hanging out at the mall, eatin' Tokyo Joes… causin' havoc 'n' such… and we were at the pet store and suddenly-_

**_Therkin_****_: _**_LIGHT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATTACKED US! WE WERE NINJAS! (Flails.)_

**_theminion_**_: …um. (Looks at Therkin skeptically) No. Suddenly, one of us—which? Dunno—had an epiphamini (…don't ask) and was all like: "So… what would it be like if Mel, Matt, Light, and Lllllllll went on a double date? At the mall." Hmm. What, indeed? So, we'll probably put up the actual date sooner or later, but this is what happened after Mr. Yagami stumbled across the security tape for Borders right in the midst of a very awkward bout of PDA. …Yeah. And thus, appeared on Matt's doorstep (y'know… 'cause after being kicked out of Borders, our heroes (and anti-hero) would've adjourned to Matt's place for booze and Soul Calibur) with an ice pick, howling for L's sugar-saturated blood._

**_Therkin_**_: Note: Mister Yagami is scary when mad… with the vein popping out of his head and all…gave me nightmares for weeks._

**_theminion_**_: Um. No shit, Sherlock. Ice pick plus L equals WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO DEATH NOTE EVER._

**_Therkin_**_: BOOSH!_

**_theminion_**_: Sigh… bwoff._

**_Disclaimer:_**_ Not ours. F-er. Go boil your heads._

**…Why are they still talking?**

_The L Rant_

**L: **(To Mr. Yagami) "Hey! _This…_" (gestures wildly) "is not my fault! I was perfectly fine 'til your son came along! Just your average, everyday, ordinary sugar-addicted, insomniac recluse with a rather unfortunate facial twitch! I was _asexual! _Didn't bother no one, and no one bothered me! …Except the criminals, but they—anyway. If you need someone to blame this on, blame it on your… _incubus_ of an… offspring. Light-kun was my first everything. He was my first friend, my first crush, first awkward kiss, first normal-type kiss, first _French _kiss, first lust, first make-out, first PDA, first erotic dream,  first promiscuous fondling, first time I ever saw another guy naked, first time I was ever turned on by a guy being naked, first lay, first time in a bed, first time on a couch, first time on a roll-y office chair, first time on a desk… which… happened right after the roll-y office chair… first time in a kitchen, first time in the shower, first time in a car, first time in a helicopter, first time in an elevator, first time on a wall, firs time on the roof and in the rain (both at the same time!), first time in the desert… wait, we didn't do it in a desert… we haven't even been to the desert… first time on the beach… Light-kun, we should really go to the beach—"

**Light: **(Look of utter horror) "First off: Sand! Secondly: WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING!?"

_The Mello Tirade_

**Light: "**Matt…can I please stay with you for a few days?"

**Matt: **"Sure."

**Mello: **"Hell no! You two are too friendly as it is! And you'd hang out together, and you'd play video games together, and you'd cook together, and you'd get drunk together… and then you'd be all staring at each other… thinkin' you're looking in a mirror and be all like, 'Man, I'm pretty! I wish I could make out with myself… oh wait! I CAN!' And then, I'd walk in on it, 'cause Matt and I would've had a previous engagement to go scuba diving that he would've forgotten about, and I'd flip out 'cause despite popular belief I'm actually very monogamous and Matt 'n' I have been together since that one night during finals—"

**Matt: **(Horrified) "Oh god, why're you still talking…?" (Glances at L in terror)

**L: **(Twitch)

**Mello: "—**and… it was _really _good. But anyway! I'd walk in, and then I'd have to shoot Light… y'know, to uphold my reputation and defend my honor since _Matt _obviously wasn't gonna do it, but I have the shit end of luck, so I'd shoot Matt 'cause you two look exactly the same—WTF is that!?—and so then, I'd cry and go on a chocolate-binge and get fat as hell, and _L _would be screwed, 'cause I can't be without a Matt, so then Light would have to be mine and I'd dye his hair red and teach him video games… and then we'd be right back at where we started because then _I'd _be molesting Light, even though he's not nearly—ew, Near—as good as my Matt, but Mr. Yagami'd be pissed at me anyway!" (Pant, pant)

_The Matt Tangent_

**Matt: **"Listen, L! It wasn't my fault! I mean, Mel was all emo 'cause Near's better than him—always has been, always will be—and he was all, 'Eugh, I'm number two, no one loves me!' and I was all like, 'Aw, Mello, you'll always be number one to me.' And then he stared at me… and I stared at him… and the sexual tension could be cut with a knife, and then there was hugging… and tears… and kissing… and tears _with _kissing… and then clothes were lost—I never even found that shirt again—and I don't know _what _you're talking about Mel! We were like twelve! We didn't know what we were doing… it was awkward as hell! And then Near walked in… and, man… _that _just brought everything to a new level of… fuck, 'cause you know he was in love with me, and even though you both deny it, he totally had the hots for you 'cause… well, you're _hot, _and he definitely got an eyeful… and I don't think he believed me when I told him we were rehearsing for a play 'cause he was all like, 'Well, if that's true, then I'm probably in it, too,' and we were all like, 'EW! No, go away!' So then, Near was gone and we looked at each other… in the awkwardness, and then there was the spark and we recommenced—which I think is what you were thinking about Mel—and OMFG, why am I still talking!? … L, for the record… I'm the uke."

(All look at Light)

**Light: **"You're all freaks. Don't even look at me." (Walks away) "Oh, not you! You know it all!"

**L: **(Pout) "I can't believe you two were deflowering each other at the age of twelve. I didn't even get any till I was 25."

**Mello: **(Sympathetic) "Aw, it's okay, L. If it makes you feel any better, Matt and I're running out of steam—" (**Matt: **"Oh yeah? I could take you any time, anywhere. Humph.") "—and I'm sure you've made up for it…. Right, Light?"

**Light: **(Cough) "Uh… he's a sex bomb. A big one. Like a nuclear bomb. That exploded. Over Kanto. Devastation. Everywhere. There was rioting. Everyone drawn to his sexiness. I've had to Death Note people."

**All: **…

**L: **"Uh… thanks, Light. That's kinda sweet. …Really weird."

_Um… end._


End file.
